Having said all that… a situation arose in the last few days that absolutely made my blood boil. A man instructed us that he has been married to his wife for many years and they have two very young children. He is running a very successful, very stressful business. His wife has a serious addiction problem and my client described in very emotional terms how he has come home to find his wife almost comatose and his infant children crawling around the house crying and unattended. She is not working but was not happy to do the house work and a housekeeper has been employed.
I have advised him that he should make an immediate application for sole custody of the children and that he would be justified in seeking a judicial separation. He says that he has already put arrangements in place whereby his mother and his sister could share looking after the children when he is not available. My client is effectively self employed and he would not need to turn to his mother and his sister except for short periods during the week. Despite the difficulties that have arisen, he appears to bear little ill will towards his wife and is happy that she have extensive access, particularly when she finally starts dealing with her addiction issues.
My client described in very emotional terms how attached he is to his children and how he is so fearful for the future because he presumes that when he eventually separates from his wife, she will almost certainly get custody. I have to admit that there is this risk. She will almost certainly inform a court that she accepts that she has had problems in the past but she has addressed those problems and everything is now working out and she should not be penalised because of her past addiction issues. Her trump card then will be the fact that she is not working and she can look after the children full time whereas my client is working and cannot look after the children full time. She will say that it is best for these children to be with the mother – even if that mother is not the ideal parent – rather than be with strangers i.e. my client’s mother and his sister.
I have heard too many comments from too many judges over the years to know that she stands a very good chance of succeeding with that argument. “A young child’s place is with their mother” and “a bad mother is better than no mother” are comments I hear far too often.
The bottom line here is that this is wrong. A child does not need a mother. A child needs a loving mother who will care for them and nurture them.
The final point I would make is to reread this commentary and substitute the word ‘mother’ for ‘father’. The father would be presented in court as a lazy, good for nothing addict who is sponging off his wife who is doing her best to make ends meet and provide for the family in almost impossible circumstances. Do you think there is any remote prospect that a judge would say to that mother that these children deserve a father and that a bad father is better than no father and that the bad father should get custody of young vulnerable children?
There are many benefits to being a man in this modern world. Equality with women when it comes to parenting however is not one of them.
Kevin Brophy
Brophy Solicitors